ihavebeenfloated

I decided that I should go see a movie, notably Man on Fire since even though the critical reviews were rotten, word of mouth was good from all of the four people I heard about it from. I walked down to the Washington Mutual on the corner to see if I had any money, and I had seventeen dollars or so, which was shocking to me. So I walked back home and took a shower on account that I hadn’t showered since Tuesday. I felt pretty nasty and just in case, though it would never happen, I meet some new people while I’m at the mall/theater, I wanted to be clean. Also, I needed to shave for tomorrow, anyway.

I walked back past the bank to the mall where the theater was. I’m not sure why I chose to walk as opposed to being a lazy ass and driving, but it seemed like a more eco-friendly thing to do and I realized the only way to meet people is by actually being around them, not driving through them and running over a few.

I got up to the theater and there was a note saying their debit mainframe was down, but there was an ATM inside. Well, that did me no good since by whatever evil design, ATMs only spit out $20 bills and with only $17 in a bank that would leave my account -$4 and some-odd cents. Knowing Washington Mutual they would charge me $22 before I had a chance to deposit my paycheck tomorrow so I didn’t want to risk it.

I walked over to a comic store I spotted and asked them if they had the Fray graphic novel since I was interested in it. They didn’t, but asked if I wanted them to call this other store down the street to see if they had it. I said it was OK and left.

I walked back down to the lower level and hung around Electronics Boutique for a long time looking for a game or something I might want to buy. I narrowed it down to the Myst DVD collection for $19.99 or Armed and Dangerous or whatever that game is for $29.99. I knew I didn’t have enough money for either, and some weird hope entertained me into thinking that if I got them to run it through as credit it might not make me overdraw, but I didn’t want to risk it. I also knew that if I bought either of those games, and the Myst set was the one I really wanted, I’d probably play them for a while and throw them aside, never figuring out the puzzles in Exile or beating Armed and Dangerous faster than I thought $30 should buy. Also, I still have Neverwinter Nights Gold to play through and Morrowind, which has been shelved, so I figured buying a game was stupid, and left.

Then I thought, “Aw fuck it,” and went back in and picked up the Myst to buy it, but not before I put it back and looked at Armed and Dangerous, and then put that back too, and left again feeling like I had been horribly defeated by my own common sense. I hate that.

Walking back past the bank I realized the bank was still open and I could have pulled out my $17 and gone and seen the movie. If I could have punched myself in the face at that moment, I would have, but I couldn’t, so I didn’t. I did go in and pull out $15 while entertaining the thought that I could get myself Rubios, and Starbucks; or Subway, and Starbucks. But I wasn’t hungry just yet so I walked home.

Now what happened after this is for you to decide.

1.) On the way back home I ran into this group of pseudo-goths who looked like their median age was probably 17, and this pale chick with black hair asked me for a cigarette. I gave her one and lit it for her, and much to my shock they didn’t keep walking. I introduced myself and lit up a cigarette myself, asked them what they were up to, etc. They said they pretty much just got out of school and were heading to the mall. Long story short, me and the goth chick fell in love, got married, and had babies. We got into fights a lot and eventually she stabbed me in the face with a dull blade, thus ending the marriage. Now I’m paying child support for three babies. This sucks.

2.) Some strange guy jumped out of the bushes lining my porch and stuck a knife in my back. I lay there bleeding as he hastily pulls my wallet out of my pants and says something like, “Fifteen fucking dollars?” then he takes my keys and goes inside, finding absolutely nothing of any worth he calls 911 on my behalf and leaves. I’m typing this from the hospital room, the nice man sitting next to me with his leg all hanging in the air in a cast somehow has a laptop with wireless internet on it. These Scripps medical centers have hospital wide WiFi access, he says. Kind of cool, I think. My back fucking hurts. How am I going to go to work tomorrow like this? I still have laundry to do. Goddamnit. People suck.

3.) As I walked home I decided against driving somewhere for food later and I think I will order a pizza. I like pizza.

4.) Crossing the street to my house, some fuckhead in a lowered honda civic with chrome spinning rims sped through the intersection and killed me. I’m in heaven now, writing this on God’s own personal laptop. He’s a pretty cool guy, and I have to say he does look like he would be Jesus’ father. He says Jesus came back to earth a little over thirty years ago but everyone mistook him for a hippie and wouldn’t take him seriously, so he stopped trying to be all Jesus-y. Eventually he ended up fighting in Vietnam where he was killed by some gook who snuck up on him and a bunch of his buddies while they were fucked up on government LSD. God said he had to send Jesus to hell because he was such a, and I quote, “dumb ass.” To quote Vonnegut, “So it goes.” I like God, he said all the people who hate me because I was mean to them are stupid and will die painful deaths. I think he might just be trying to make me feel better and I can’t say it isn’t working. Being dead so far is pretty cool, I will admit.

5.) When I got home and opened the door to the house, the door fell off the frame and floated way into some space inside the house filled with a purple haze. I walked cautiously through the haze until I felt the floor under me give way, causing my hand to shoot out and grab a rail that I swear wasn’t there a second before. I descended the staircase, passing through layers of richly colored and textured packed dirt. I passed a dinosaur skeleton, it was pretty cool. Eventually the purple haze turned into a deep crimson and there were pits of fire all around me, the staircase nowhere to be found. This really sexy devil woman with blue eyes greeted me, she said, “Hi Brad, my name is Ruth, nice to meet you,” and I screamed like I had never screamed before, since her exposed nipples turned into eyeballs with bright green irises that blinked independently from their eyelids. I turned and tried to ran, but hundreds of Ruths all appeared with eyeball nipples, introducing themselves and trying to lick all the wax out of my eye canals. I finally collapsed on the floor in a sobbing heap of flesh, until they tore all the flesh off me and then I was just a quivering pile of blood and muscle and intestines. They sucked suggestively on my bones and for whatever reason I was still alive and I could see them doing this. I felt like crying but it wasn’t the same since all my tear ducts did was squirt blood into the air like a mist. I tried to will myself to die but it didn’t work, so I willed myself to stand and I shouted, “Ruths! I am now your ruler and you will do as I ask! I want my flesh back, and I want your nipples to stop being eyeballs!” They were shocked by my commands and said, “But master, the way of the flesh is the way to sin! We only want you to be happy and free!” and I said, “DO AS I SAY, RUTHS!” and now I live here, surrounded by hot devil women named Ruth, with regular nipples without eyeballs. They can construct things out of each other, and I admit it is strange typing on a keyboard made of crimson red flesh, but the enter key made out of a row of permanently erect nipples is definitely comically enjoyable to press on. Will update you later on the unique flexibility their kind display…