ihavebeenfloated

It was supposed to make me feel good, I wanted the same experience I had when I was fifteen and did it, nearly four years ago… But it wasn’t the same. I should clarify as it was the same, but I am not the same, I guess. All it did was make me feel like a bit of a loser. The entire time I sort of felt ashamed of myself for doing it again after all this time, like, what sort of person needs drugs? I’ve never needed drugs, I’ve always done them just for fun, but this time I around I felt like I needed it, and I think I crossed my own moral line. Thus, I probably ruined the trip for myself, but I have to think that maybe I’m through with drugs.

The last time I got drunk, and probably the very last time ever at this rate, I realized that I probably would have had a lot more fun if I stayed sober. The very last time, nearly a year ago, that I smoked marijuana, I just curled up into bed and went to sleep, the effects weren’t enjoyable at all, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to function like I would if I was sober so there was no reason to stay awake.

I don’t want to say this trip on DXM wasn’t enjoyable. It was, but there was a definite edge to it. There were moments where I felt like I wasn’t in control of myself, or at least that I had to try extra hard to “get a grip”. I thought I was going crazy a few times, as I was having trouble distinguishing my visualization dreams from reality, and I wondered if I would wake up and remember them as having actually happened and do something really stupid. Instead of answering questions and giving me insight, like I expected, my trip only gave me more questions and added further confusion to all the things rattling around in my brain.

Regardless, I don’t think I’ll be doing DXM recreationally, or probably any drug, anymore. I figured, with it so readily accessible and all, I would do it once a month or so, but it’s not worth it. Truth is, I’d rather be sober.