ihavebeenfloated

When I was sixteen years old my parents got me my first car. I’m not quite sure why they did it, as my grades at the time were lousy and by no means were going to get any better with the addition of a car into my life. It was a ‘86 Honda Accord with what I thought was one of the best features ever, a sunroof. I didn’t imagine a sunroof could be such an enjoyable experience for me, but when I combined my car’s sunroof with my friend in the passenger seat, we had a lot of fun.

First, we had to find an off-ramp by a residential area, some place where we could quickly pull into a driveway and kill the car and play like it’s been there all night. An on-ramp with a nearby parking lot where we could quickly slap some duct tape over the numbers on my license plate was necessary as well. We’d go to a local grocery store to pick up the items necessary for our quest, some raw ground beef, plastic wrap, latex gloves, and some plastic baggies.

We’d cover up the plates, and I’d drive us onto the freeway. I’d pull us in front of some unsuspecting person and match his speed. We had to practice this an awful lot to get it down to an art form and I’m surprised we’d never got caught by anyone. When there was a sufficiently clear way for escape, within adequate distance of the planned off-ramp, my friend would quickly unwrap the ground beef with the gloves on and plastic wrap across his lap to catch all the juices, and throw it out the sunroof at just the right height and speed.

***WHAM***

With any luck, the ground beef would hit the victim’s windshield dead on right in their center of view. We never really hung around long enough to find out if we ever actually caused anyone to get into an accident, as I generally sped us across all five lanes of traffic as quickly as possible to get off the freeway. I’m sure we probably sent at least two or three people to the hospital in all the time that we did that, but the idea doesn’t really bother me all that much. In fact, I can’t really remember having so much fun at any other point in my life.