ihavebeenfloated

Two days off, did I get everything done that I needed to? No, of course not, but that’s not really the point now is it? My minors failures of procrastination are a part of me at this point and I can’t deny them. As long as I get the job done, that’s all that matters, right? Right. Thanks for agreeing with me. I do things when they are necessary, not when I think they should get done. I don’t even listen to myself as an authority figure, who would have thought?

I went to sleep the other night listening to “Stay Out Of My Dreams” by Type O Negative, probably one of my favorite songs by them. I slept fourteen hours, straight, without feeling sick after for the very first time. I kept waking up during the session, yes, but only for brief segments. At eight hours I woke up, looked at the clock, and urged myself to get out of bed, but it wouldn’t happen.

I rolled back over to hold the person lying next to me, even though she wasn’t there, and fell back into yet another dream of her. I dreamt of her more continuously, consistently, during those fourteen hours then I have dreamt of anything in my entire life. Every time I woke up, about four or five times, I went back to sleep wishing that I wouldn’t dream of her again, and each time, it was her again.

Finally I realized that the only way I would rid myself of the haunted feeling I was consumed by upon waking would be to actually get out of bed. Never have I felt a longing so powerful.

Last night I was actually afraid to go to sleep, and now, two hours past the point I should have gone to sleep, I find myself subconsciously afraid to sleep again.

Fact is, sleep is killing me. I used to have interesting dreams, frightening dreams, or dreams I would only be able to see signs of, marks on me from them, but no recollection what so ever. Now all my dreams are of wonderful things, having someone, being someone, doing something I would love to do but otherwise cannot, and when I wake from them, the pain and fear, that I usually hide deep inside to the point of pure ignorance, are right there curled up in bed next to me, my hands holding them close to me.

I would rather be chased by demons, then to be given what I want in my sleep.