ihavebeenfloated

I went to a wedding last night. I had a good time.

I got extremely drunk and made a complete ass of myself in front of my co-workers. That’s always fun.

Times I fell on the floor from out of my chair: Twice.

Times I busted into uncontrollable manic laughter entirely unlike anything they’ve ever seen me do before: Unable to estimate, but somewhere around “a shit-load” is probably right.

Times laughter was caused by phrase “he mounted that donkey, mounted,” being spoken: Once.

Times pulled out to the dance floor and actually danced: Twice. (I don’t know what happened here. I don’t even remember what song I was dancing to.)

Times walking the girl of your dreams to her car and saying everything stupid that you could possibly imagine because you are so intoxicated you don’t think it matters, only to realize later, still intoxicated, that you’re a moron, and you think about calling her and apologizing and making a further ass of yourself by pouring your heart out to her, but you realize you’re still intoxicated, and decide not to, even though the thought is sincere and you know it would be better to let it out, but this time you hold back, because opening your mouth is a lot harder when you have to dial a phone number on some tiny buttons first: Once.

Times not regretting the gigantic ass you made of yourself: All of them.

I had a good time. The only thing that would have made me feel like shit is if my peers looked at me like I was a loser. They didn’t, they looked at me like I was someone who was incredibly wasted, and fun to laugh at/with. (All the Mormons, I’m sure, were sick of me by the second time I hit the floor.)

Christ, I can’t believe everyone watched me go out onto the floor and dance. What the fuck was I thinking? God, alcohol is great.