ihavebeenfloated

This post transcribed from previously recorded thoughts occurring approximately twenty minutes ago.

I’m lying on the floor in the master bedroom upstairs. Boulevard of Broken Dreams is playing, and even though this song is terribly overplayed on mainstream radio at this point, it still sounds amazing through some decent speakers at CD quality. It’s also a good song to contemplate life to, especially when your contemplations come to the conclusion that you are absolutely and completely alone inside your own head. For most people this conclusion needs no contemplation to come to, hell, most people don’t even need to conclude it, as they know it from birth… but me, well, I guess I’ve always been different from everyone else.

Every decision I’ve made in the last few weeks has felt like the wrong one. Every single bone in my body, or at least every cell in my brain, recoils in horror at everything I’ve been doing. I’m not sure what it is. I’ve always followed my intuition, but not this time. It’s confusing, because my intuition is telling me to run like hell from everything I’m doing, but another part of me is telling me to say fuck it to intuition and run on pure feeling… but isn’t my intuition supposed to be what I’m feeling? Hasn’t it always been? What is this second feeling telling me to ignore all my logical feelings? Why am I purposefully doing everything I would tell someone not to do? (In this situation I am also doing everything everyone else tells me not to do, but that is normal for me, I do the opposite of all advice handed to me, as to learn the hard way on my own.)

I am, apparently, sending myself into the scariest situation of my life without any sort of escape plan if things go horribly wrong. That’s not true, of course, as there is always an escape plan for me, but this one would be extremely drastic, and I’d rather not think about it. (No, it does not involve me, nor anyone else, dying.)

I feel more alive than I have ever, but every now and then I fall into moments of lucidity where I want to sprint as fast as I can in any direction possible, and they frighten me. Lying here on this floor, with this music playing, is one of those moments. Instead of getting up, however, I lie here frozen, seized within this moment for what seems like days, my brain racing with every possible combination that could possibly free me from whatever prison of a situation I’ve gotten myself into… and this time, there isn’t a proper combination that meets the exceedingly numerous amount of conditions I’ve set as absolute requirements. (My mind loves combinations of excessive amounts of large words in convoluted sentences. – Brad)

So, I pick myself up off the floor and decide to keep on moving forward. Eventually things will move forward to the point where I become comfortable with them, or a proper escape plan presents itself. Seems like my life operates like this almost continually. I will write it out in ordered list form for future reference.

1.) Enter a potentially shitty situation without realizing it.
2.) Realize this is a potentially shitty situation.
3.) Think of ways to get out of it.
4.) Fail to find a way to escape.
5.) Wait. (This step can last minutes, hours, days, months, years.)
6.) Find an escape, take it.
7.) Return to step 1.

Now I wait, either for my fears to subside, for things to get good, or for things to finally explode. This is my life. Be glad it’s not yours, it’s not fun feeling the urge to flee all the time.