ihavebeenfloated

There’s this older woman who is in my math class at school. Usually we sit at the same table in the hour before the class and work on homework and talk about shit. (She gets off work a while before class and just shows up, I have an hour between classes.) Lately, though, she’s been having a lot of problems with the concepts, and I’ve been getting them really easily and breezing through them. So, naturally, she asks me for help.

I joked yesterday, “Well, I’m here at two o’clock, and have two hours before my first class in which I normally just work on homework. You could leave work early and show up on Thursday and I could help you out and tutor you or something.”

I didn’t really mean it. I mean, I did, for Thursday, not thinking it would be a big deal. I mean, really, two hours of helping her with math wouldn’t be a big deal, and the only difference then would be the fact that I couldn’t listen to my iPod during that time. No big deal right? One day of helping someone I get along with.

When I showed up at two today and saw her walking away from the parking lot the first thought that came to my mind was, “What the fuck?” But I really didn’t think it was a big deal.

Well, now I’m annoyed. I mean, it’s cool, you know, to be helping someone. But on the other hand, I am a person who values his alone time to extreme levels. I’m not sure why, because like I said it really makes no difference if she’s there or not. But, for some reason, it does. The music part isn’t a big deal, that’s fine, I can deal with not listening to my iPod. It’s something else, though. I guess it’s just the act of being surrounded by someone who, for all intents and purposes, I really don’t give a shit about. I wouldn’t consider her a friend, I wouldn’t ever hang out with her outside of class. Having to spend three hours of my day with her is enough to make my skin crawl.

It feels good to help someone. It feels good to be thought of as smart. (“It’s easy for you because you’re smart.” “I’m not smart, I’m just clever.”) It feels good to know that person needs your help. But it also sucks, it puts a burden on you. You start to think, “Well, I’m suppose to know this, so I better figure it out, and I sure as shit better not get it wrong.” Then you start second guessing yourself. “Shit, if I get this wrong, then I’ll be teaching her wrong, so am I really even sure that I’m right anyway?” When you finally do make a mistake, then you feel like crap because you think you let that person down.

All in all, it’s too much thought. Way too much thought. I liked it when we sat there and just compared answers and we were relative equals on the intelligence scale. There wasn’t any of this teacher/student dynamic. It was student/student, and that was much more comfortable.

Now, I hate to say it, I kind of wish she’d just go away. But she isn’t. She’ll be there at two tomorrow as well. Even worse, since my art class will let me out probably an hour to an hour and a half early, I’ll have that much more time to spend with her.

“You like mexican food?” she asks before I went home earlier tonight.

“Yeah.”

“Well tomorrow before class we can just run across the street and I’ll buy you dinner for helping me.”

AUGH JESUS CHRIST HOLY SHIT ARGH!

This is where a second problem of mine comes into play. Before I left for my art class today, she asked me if I wanted anything when she runs to McDonalds while I’m in class. I said no. She asked if I was sure. I said yes. She said she feels that she should pay me something for helping her. I said no, it’s not a big deal. But she insists.

I don’t like accepting things from people. I just don’t like it. I’ll take a gift, that’s fine, but if you ask me if I want something from you, I’ll say no. I just wont do it. It bugs me to no end to have people trying to push their things on me. That’s really an improper way to describe what they’re doing, but it works. I have this anti-”charity case” complex going on in my head and I’m not too sure why it has gotten so extreme lately.

I’ve always been one to turn down donations or kind offers of help. Always, unless you make me feel like I’m stupid for just not accepting, then I give in. But now, and I’m just guessing here, after living for about a year (a little over) on my own where I didn’t ask anyone for any real help (outside of one isolated incident), I’ve become terribly comfortable with the idea that I should be able to provide for myself. How this translates into not wanting to get paid for helping someone, I’m not sure. Regardless, it sticks.

I’ve never been one to feel like I’m letting down myself, or others. No matter how bad I fuck up, (and if you know me at all, you know that I have an ass-load of huge fuck ups under my belt), I don’t feel like I’ve been a failure. But, when it comes to asking for help, or receiving compensation for something I do out of kindness, I feel like I’m letting down the world.

Strange complex, it is. Don’t know why I have it, really.

Actually, I do. I’d just rather not talk about it because it involves two other people who, although one of them I have much pent up hostility for, I’d rather not talk about right now at this moment.

Oh well.