ihavebeenfloated

I am glad I live a somewhat pure life. It’s a feeling I have. I look at some other people I know (not counting the obvious, don’t be so self-centered, you know who you are) and I am filled with an overwhelming disgust, followed by a nice feeling of knowing that the life I lead is enlightened in comparison.

But I’m not sure why. A lot of it has to do with the social choices I make, the drugs I choose not to do, the people I don’t hang out with, the choices I don’t make.

But how I do I know what are the right choices? All I have is feeling. I’ve only done one bad thing to hurt someone else in my life, and if you know the situation and myself you know that bad thing isn’t really.

I’m a strange person, I guess. I find it easy to make the choice not to do something, or in to put it easier: I find it easy to make the hard choice. I would rather be alone than spend time with people who ever make me uncomfortable, uneasy, or feel even slightly unwelcome. I don’t have many friends because of this, but that’s fine with me, the friends I do have are awesome for the most part. I’d rather stay home on a Friday or Saturday night than go somewhere that I might not have my heart 100% into. Doings things and making choices follow the same rules.

For that reason, I guess, I feel somewhat enlightened. I take a look at my life currently and I see all the pain and drama that I have disposed of simply and easily, and I feel greatly relieved and immensely proud.

Just wish I knew how I came to be this way. I could say something silly to the effect of, “Well, it was probably Jesus,” but then everyone would laugh, thinking I was joking. I wont say that then.

BTW which one of you has my Gospel of Thomas? Mike? You have it somewhere.

As a side note, it’s becoming really important for me not to accept weakness in myself or in people I know. Weakness to me goes off my old somewhat motto or annoyance, “If you think there is something wrong with yourself, fix it.” Weakness is the inability to change the things you recognize are wrong, with you.

You have complete control over yourself. There’s no denying it, though people often try. If it’s a personality issue, their excuse is usually, “That’s just the way I am. I was raised this way.” If it’s a habit issue, the excuse is, “It’s just something I do, I’m in total control.”

All they are really saying is, “I don’t have the motivation, courage, nor will-power necessary to change myself, so I will just be lazy and unhappy… but I will be lying to myself the entire time so I can think I’m happy. I’ll have to block out that little voice in my head that calls myself a bit of a failure, but that’s OK.”

Another good example of weakness is making large purchases of shit you don’t need. “I have no use for this object, but buying it will make me happy for a short period of time.” I suffer from this weakness to this day, but thankfully I take a good hard look at the things I’m buying and really make sure that it will last me a long time. A notable exception is video games, but I try to be careful with those as well.

I think an excess of material possessions that lack any sort of usefulness or prolonged value is a weakness as well.

I don’t like weakness. I don’t think people should have it. If they do, they should recognize it and fix it. Kind of a catch-22 if you’ve been paying attention.

It is sad to me that it is so much easier for people to just stay the same, even when they are unhappy with themselves.