ihavebeenfloated

Marlinda took me to see Eels tonight. The show was unbelievable, way better than their With Strings CD would have you know. It was practically a Souljacker era show, but even heavier and more rock oriented. Hearing heavy versions of songs like I Like Birds and nearly a rock ballad version of I’m Going to Stop Pretending That I Didn’t Break Your Heart was, well, simply unbelievable. I nearly vomited about five times due to the sheer amount of awesome that was constantly assaulting my ears. Good lord, that show was great. If you have a chance to catch Eels this time around, do so. Listening to E wail I Put a Spell On You is well worth every cent.

I broke up with Trista yesterday. Kind of like the first time I dumped her, it was really hard to do. But, the first time, I was trying to convince myself that I didn’t love her. I was trying to make myself angry at her, or sad at her, or something at her, because the idea of breaking up with someone that I loved so much didn’t really make sense to me, so I tried to make up some sort of excuse for it.

It didn’t work. I came crawling back (to someone I broke up with?) pretty much the next day because I couldn’t deal with the idea of never seeing her again, or some such.

This time, however, I know that I love her. I love her more than I’ve ever loved anyone, possibly. But, unfortunately, we just can’t be together. We’re two people who do all of the important relationship things differently than we need them. Actually, that might be entirely wrong. Truth is, she loves differently than I need to be loved. I don’t want to say it’s two-sided because I don’t know if it is. Maybe she was fine with the way I loved her, but I don’t think she was. I can’t say for sure.

I’d like to say that this is the first time I’ve ever really broken up with someone, but it really isn’t. Every time before, however, I held so much resentment and anger toward the person I was able to just shut down my feelings for them and walk away. So the prospect of having to walk away from someone who actually didn’t hurt me like I thought the others had, well, it was extremely painful for me to do.

I’ve pretty much known that our relationship might be entirely futile for several months now, but I wasn’t able to come around to the truth. I wouldn’t admit it because I kept thinking, “Well, love conquers all, and I should be able to adapt or, etc, etc.” So I sucked it up, or went to sleep, or just tried some how to keep my mind off of the issues. I think I put us through a lot more hurt then there really needed to be.

I’d like to pretend there aren’t any casualties, but there are. I’m pretty sure I broke Trista’s heart, but perhaps not as bad as I did the first time around. Maybe she understands, maybe she doesn’t. She might see it the way I do, the way I wasn’t really able to communicate in civilized words to her because I was still trying to find some way to be angry at her, and even if she doesn’t, I’m sure she might eventually.

I’ve never wanted to see any of my former girlfriend’s after the breaks I initiated, but Trista, I want to see Trista again. I still want to be around her sometimes and I still want her to be a part of my life in some way. I still love her, like I said, and I will probably carry a torch for her for a long time. I can entertain fantasies in my mind that maybe in a few years when we’re different people and we’re at different places in our lives, maybe we can try it all over again and see if we’re better for each other. Hopefully she feels that way. Maybe she doesn’t.

I have a lot of things to thank her for, and I hope she knows that. I hope she knows that I didn’t hate every minute we spent together. She should know that I fell in love with who she was long before I had hopes for who she could be. She should know that every time I feed Milo treats and pet him that I will think of her and how she taught me to appreciate and love him the way he deserves to be loved. I hope that she, too, can look back on the time we spent together as a couple and think of some things that she learned about herself that she can thank me for. I always knew she loved me, regardless of how many times I said things that might have implied the opposite.

That’s it, I guess. I don’t have much else to say about all of it beside that.

I wish she’d let me cut her hair for her.