ihavebeenfloated

Oh. My. God.

It’s been a while since I’ve felt like this. I mean really felt like this.

Almost exactly a year ago. A little over.

The sudden on set of overwhelming loneliness, emptiness, and pain that overtook me at 3:30 AM took me completely by surprise.

At 4:00 AM I stood up, walked in a small circle, and fell back on my bed feeling as if I was about to break down and cry.

I went outside and drove around in my car, the hunger chewing a hole in my stomach. I started to make my way to Jack in the Box, but I realized it was a waste and turned around and went to 7-11.

I bought a protein bar, and a box of animal crackers, as if just to torture myself.

I sat in my car outside of 7-11 and bit into the protein bar… But you weren’t there, and it was just making things worse. So, I drove home and managed to eat it while I was there.

Now I’m sitting here, burning your incense, typing away on my computer in a last ditch effort to stop thinking about you.

But all I can think is that I miss the stink of your cloves.

And writing that down is what makes me cry.

I wish things would just work. I wish love did conquer all. I wish I wasn’t so easily upset by the small things you do that can get under my skin. I wish the happy moments overwhelmed the bad ones completely. I wish I didn’t believe that I’ll probably never be happy with anyone. I wish I wasn’t such a miserable person. I wish I’d stop wishing that you were sleeping behind me. I wish I’d stop turning around and looking just to make sure you aren’t. I wish that wishing actually worked. I wish that I believed in a God who doesn’t make prayer a waste of time. I wish that I’d stop wishing.

I swear that the pain of being without you is so much worse than the pain of being with you. Even when I was angrily packing up all the things that could possibly remind me of you and driving to your house at nine in the morning in the hopes that you would be where you should have been, I still knew you were mine, and that kept me from feeling this way. But now, you’re not mine, not right now, and I’ve got nothing to angry about beside the fact that I am feeling this way.

Everything in this room reminds me of you. This orange lamp will remind me of you, probably long after everything else has ceased to, if only due to the fact that I will never be able to sleep without it on. My bed, that I got with us in mind, now too big and empty. The blue ceramic penis, I wish I had given it to you. All these fucking DS games. The bottles of water and empty cans of coke by my bed, those were yours. I had to eject the Oblivion disc in order to listen to this Eels CD. I’ll be carrying around your save games for years to come probably, and I hope you’ll get to play some more if you’ll let yourself. There’s books behind my monitor right now that you’re still supposed to read. Movies on my computer that we’re supposed to watch. Shows will be starting up in September that we’re going to have to watch together somehow. My tristapus will always be staring at me. So much music that will always remind me of you. What am I supposed to do when Tragic Hero, or some Oingo Boingo, comes on? Goddamn you for being so integrated into my life. What am I supposed to do?

I know what it sounds like. But the sensible part of me has to say this:

I don’t want you back…

But I don’t want to lose you.

I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do.

God, I wish I could stop loving you.