ihavebeenfloated

I don’t even know how to start off this entry. This might not be a shock to anyone, maybe it will be a shock to everyone.

I found Trista in bed with another guy tonight. Now you know how the story ends, if you care to see the beginning and the middle I guess you can read on.

I’m not sure how I am taking it so well. Maybe I’m not taking it well at all and this calm sense of numbness is only holding back the wave of anger and depression. Actually, I can feel it. Occasionally the numbness wanes and I am overcome with a small burst of complete sadness.

I trusted Trista, to spite myself. I’m not entirely sure where all my trust issues come from. I’ve had my heart broken once. I’ve been emotionally betrayed by quite a few women. But, as far as I know, I really have no reasons to distrust women.

But I do. I never really trusted women to be around other men on her own. She told me she cheated on someone in the past but that was a different situation that she would never fall back on. I cheated on Trista near the beginning of our relationship. I’ll admit that, so maybe this was all just something that was coming to me, which I commented to her directly.

Regardless, I actually trusted Trista, even though my subconscious really never wanted to. If you search for “Arthur” you’ll see a situation that occurred in a past. An old flame of hers show up after a year of not talking, and she decided that she’d rather hang out with him some night. She was at his house and promised me she wouldn’t spend the night there. So when it hit 8am and she still wasn’t answering her phone, I drove to her house and she wasn’t there. Her mother watched me cry over her. She said she didn’t do anything with him and she spent the night worrying about me being crazy about all of it, and never slept. I believed her. I still do. Kind of. I don’t know what to believe anymore.

I dumped her for the second time a month or so ago. Things just working out I thought, despite the fact that I desperately wanted them to. Afterward I suggested that we resort to not being “officially” girlfriend and boyfriend, but being monogamous and exclusive to each other. It was a last ditch effort to get me to be more willing to put up with the sacrifices I have to make emotionally to be with her. I thought it would work. I thought it was working.

The Arthur situation happened again tonight, kind of. We went to IHOP and she told me she had plans to meet this guy from OKCupid that she had previously told me she had no intention of meeting because she thought he was ugly and kind of douchey. I tried to shrug it off but my trust issues wouldn’t let it.

I talked to her around the time he was supposed to pick her up, and she wouldn’t blow him off to be with me. Later, she told me they were at her house instead of going to this movie. I tried to shrug it off, but I couldn’t.

I ended up driving to her house hoping that she’d make him leave, but she wouldn’t. It bothered me but I knew I was acting like a completely insane motherfucker, so I left.

But I couldn’t get it out of my mind. I watched some television with Greg but I couldn’t shake the sick feeling from my stomach. I took him home and I ended up messaging her some more but she wouldn’t talk to me.

I ended up driving back over there in a really sick haze. I was a shaking. I almost puked a few times. I felt so irrationally betrayed that by the time I got there I realized I was totally nuts.

I called her and she wouldn’t have him leave, but I told her that I knew I was acting crazy and that I had absolutely no reason to not trust her. She had never done anything to me and I knew that. She wanted me to go home, and that she would maybe call me after he left, but that she wouldn’t see me. I said I would go home.

But I couldn’t manage to leave without getting sick to my stomach. I messaged her and told her I would wait outside for him to leave. She told me she wouldn’t make him leave. So I said I would just wait for him to leave and then I’d leave.

My phone died shortly after.

I waited for about 45 minutes, it was 3:30 am. I had to go to the bathroom and I thought that I could tell her that it would make sense if we just meet all her new online friends together, to try to make them mutual friends, so that I could trust them.

So I got out of my car and walked up the street to her house. I didn’t knock on the door. I walked around to the living room windows and looked in between the mini blinds, but I could see that they weren’t in the living room watching television like she said. I looked over the wall and I saw that her blue light was in her room. Mood lighting, I guess.

So I went around back and let myself in the gate, surprised that the dog didn’t wake up and bark at me.

I walked over to her window and leaned in and looked between the blinds.

And there she is, no pants or underwear on, curled up next to him.

I knocked on the window.

He turned around, “What the fuck?”

I don’t even know what I really said. A calm wave of total numbness washed over me. I wasn’t angry or upset, not like I am not, I was just completely numb.

I said a lot of, “Why would you do this to me, Trista?”

And, “So this is your idea of trying to make things work between us?”

And, “You said you weren’t going to do this because it’s stupid.”

She came out the front door while he sat in the living room.

I told her that maybe this was just making us even, since I cheated on her ten months ago… And maybe we can work through it. Just have him leave and we can work on things. But she wouldn’t have him leave. She said a lot of stuff, about feeling tired of feeling like she’s spending time with someone who hates her… All this other stuff.

It ended up that she couldn’t make up her mind. I had her give me back my DS games she had, and give me back the blanket, which she really didn’t want to but I told her she had no choice. I don’t understand why she would have wanted to hold on to it anyway.

I said, “Well, thank you for all the new experiences.”

And that was that. I went back to my car and drove away.

I went to Greg’s house and hung out and chain smoked a bit, trying to wrap my head around this situation.

I still can’t.

I don’t really understand why this would happen to me. Regardless of my prior infidelities, I thought we were doing fine.

I’m just still in denial.

I can’t make sense of it. I can’t come to terms with it.

I just can’t understand how this could happen.

It’s like I’m watching a movie. This isn’t really my life.

I don’t want the heartbreak to set in. I don’t want to feel that way again.

I don’t want it to be over but it’s foolish of me to think it is. But then I think, you know, other couples have survived this sort of thing, why not us?

It’s hard to let go of someone you love so much.

She was my dream girl, you know.

She was really my dream girl. Through all of the bad shit, she was that girl I hoped I would end up with some day.

It’s hard… impossible… to let go of that sort of thing.

I just don’t know how you recover from this sort of thing and move forward.

While I was outside talking to Greg, I thought of the last line to The World According to Garp as something that could be the last line of a novel about my life. I’m sure many people know it, but still.

“But, in the world according to Garp, we are all terminal cases.”