ihavebeenfloated

Eh, Tomahawk song I’ve been enjoying lately, makes me feel better.

The worst thing by far so far about this whole thing was when I finally tried to go to sleep, every time I closed my eyes I saw what I saw through that bedroom window last night. Even now, I still can’t get it far from my mind. I’m trying to keep myself distracted so that I don’t think about it, but that usually just makes me think about it even more.

I don’t think anyone, ever, deserves to see that kind of thing. It’s one thing to hear about your SO cheating on you, but to actually see it happen… No one, I don’t care what your crimes against humanity are, should ever have to suffer from this kind of torment. A broken heart was one thing, that was painful, but there are means of escape from the pain of it all.

This, however, you can’t escape from.

I hate to say it but the only way I could get to sleep earlier was to fantasize about killing myself in order to overwhelm the images. I’d never actually kill myself, but the only feelings more powerful than the overwhelming disgust was the idea of death. Funny how that is.

I still love her, and I can’t fight that. I just need to come to terms with it. Trying to hate her wont work. You’d think with all the ammo I have I’d be able to kill my love for her, but I can’t. I’m just going to stop trying to make myself hate her. If I love her, even after all this, I guess then I love her. Just depends on what I decide to do from this moment on. I wish I could say that I didn’t want to try to keep things going, but I can’t say that, because I do, and I’m not going to lie to myself by lying on here.

I might be a fool. It might be different if I hadn’t cheated on her within the first week of our relationship. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel like it’s karma. It’s all inexcusable, it’s all probably unforgivable, but I suppose there are feelings that are beyond all of it. I can’t give that up, unfortunately, so I just have to wait and see what happens.

I saw her tonight. I thought it would be a good idea. It was, and it wasn’t.

But it made me feel better, as much as it might seem crazy to say, to see her cry when I kissed her and to see her finally break down and go on about how disgusting she feels and how she is just a piece of trash. She didn’t seem to care the night, outside of her house, but tonight she actually responded to me and seemed remorseful. That was nice.

Eh.

Update three hours later

But I hurt because of it, too. It’s upsetting to think that although I can try to look past it, she can’t. I mean, it’s a good thing that she can’t, but it isn’t, because it’s hindering to any sort of attempted progress. Maybe nothing will happen. I don’t know.

Dan summed it up well, and I can’t remember what he said exactly and because my phone doesn’t keep logs I can’t just look it up. It was the duality of the situation. It could be making things better. It could be making things worse. I could be holding on to something golden, or I could be trying to fix something that shouldn’t be fixed. And there is no way to know until it’s all over, and it might never end, so will anyone ever know?

Situations like this just fuck me up. They fuck everyone up. They probably even fuck up people not even involved.

I used to think about shit like this happening to people and I couldn’t even begin to comprehend how I would react or deal with it. The entire situation is so novel/movie-like that it’s unbelievable. Actually witnessing. That shit does not actually happen to real people. It doesn’t. I refuse to believe it does. That whole situation of busting into a hotel room and seeing a carnal act is straight out of film and television and I can’t believe that it has ever happened to a real person.

It just begs the question: Why did it happen to me?

I guess I’m special. Maybe I’m privileged. I get to understand these things first hand. I now know that my reaction to that situation wouldn’t be violent. It would be so far from violent that it would be surprising. I can see that the “guilty party” isn’t always immediately remorseful, nor spiteful. Sometimes they’re just as confused as you are, sometimes not. It’s hard to understand exactly what was going through everyone’s mind at that moment.

The poor fool thought he was justified. I kind of feel bad for him, for being such a fucking retard. I wish I had hurt him in some way, but then I don’t. It’s not like it was his fault. She arranged for it to be that way.

And how can I forgive that? How can people forgive?

Trista and I watched One Hour Photo a few weeks ago and I had to relate to Sy. How can you just not do anything when you find out that your spouse is cheating on you? How can you just not care? How can such actions go completely unpunished?

“Hey Joe, where you going with that gun in your hand?”

It’s a difference situation when you’re married and have kids, I guess. There is pressure to make things work out, to try to overlook things. But is it right, can you really justify it, when you don’t? If it’s just a relationship, 10 months old now, can you really overlook something?

She overlooked my infidelity, but that was in the first week. Does that make it different? Does that make things better? I don’t know. It would have been far easier to walk away at that point, and I don’t know why she didn’t. I don’t know why she chose to live with it and I don’t think she’s ever told me why. Maybe there isn’t a why, a lot of things with Trista don’t have reasons set to them, just a variety of emotions and colors with no sense or pattern to them. Even though I know this I still ask her what she thinks until I’m blue in the face.

I wish I’d stop doing that.

I wish I could stop thinking about it. I wish I could just see into her mind and know everything. I’m supposedly so good at figuring out what I feel and fixing it, why can’t I just figure out what she feels and fix it?

I told her something today I meant to tell her a few days ago. She said if she had heard that then, then probably none of this would have happened. That sucked. A lot. Nothing could have made me feel more like shit. Could I have really prevented it all? Why didn’t I just realize and know? Why did I have to wait until things are so fucked up that they might never be good again?

But it’s not my fault. I can’t blame myself for this. I didn’t make the choice. She made that choice, I know she did, and she chose poorly. But then again, I did, too, didn’t I? I should understand.

I did the exact same thing. I ran to someone else in the hopes of making myself forget about Trista.

The exact same thing.

Jesus.

It all makes sense, I guess.

We were both hurting, and we both ran to someone else instead of trying to work it out or discuss it.

That sucks.

I’m reminded of a quote from The Weather Man, the movie. Probably the only good part of the film: “In this shit life, you have to chuck some things.”

A friend of mine online said, “This, too, shall pass,” which sounded familiar, so I had to look it up. It lead me to the Everything 2 entry on it and it struck me as really powerful. So powerful, in fact, that I would contemplate getting it tattooed on my forehead backward so that I never forget it.

It’s a great phrase for so many reasons. This entire situation, so many things can pass, so many. The entire thing might pass, leaving behind nothing but healing and recovering. The situation might pass and things might go back to normal, maybe better, maybe brand new and entirely different. Maybe things will go back to being like they were, completely out of our control. I don’t know.

But, still… All this indecision, all this pain, all this not knowing, all the loneliness, the torment, the visions, the disgust and overwhelming sickness that prevents me from eating or sleeping… all this shall pass. That is comforting as much as it is terrifying.

Because afterward, the happiness, it too, shall pass.