ihavebeenfloated

I wish I didn’t title everything so strangely lately.

I went to Trista’s tonight to talk over some of the “conditions” or what I would like to see happen if we’re going to try to pursue a relationship again. I’ve always had a hard time working out what is reasonable and what isn’t. Today, though, I’ve been exceptionally clear minded and I feel a whole lot better about everything.

Mike pointed out something interesting the other day, in respect to me: I’ve been on all sides of infidelity. I’ve been the person used to cheat on someone else. I’ve cheated on someone. And I’ve been cheated on. I guess it could always not be that significant, maybe a large percentage of people go through all three situations at some point in their life. Maybe not. Thought that was interesting.

So, anyway, this was about what I proposed to Trista. There are only two, it seems, for now, and these are things that will either make or break the relationship.

1.) I want to see her tell that guy (sammyl/Drew Marlowe, yes I know his full name) that she’s never going to see or speak to him again.

This could be labeled as “unreasonable” but I don’t think it’s asking too much. After the Amanda situation, I actually ended up giving Trista Amanda’s phone number so that she could call her and tell her off. She never did, though, and much later said that it would have helped a lot had she witnessed me doing it. I never even did it on my own, I just severed all contact and that was the end of it. I think it would help a lot with my coping process.

2.) In the future, when she wants to meet random guys from the internet, she brings me along.

Looking at this from the context of it, it looks like this is typical possessive boyfriend bullshit. But, really, is it so unreasonable? I look at it like this… If I messaged some girl that I was actually interested in being friends with, and she said, “Oh, yeah, we can hang out, I’m going to bring my boyfriend, though, is that cool?” I would say, “Well, yeah, can’t have too many friends.”

And on the other hand, if I wasn’t interested in anything aside from sex and a possible relationship (why would I be messaging a taken girl anyway?) I would be like, “Fuck that noise, bye.”

The fact is, I have trust issues. Now my trust issues can be even worse than they were. On top of that, I don’t have many friends, so where is the problem in trying to make some mutual friends? Trista and I have no mutual friends, really. She’s pretty friendly with one of my friends, kind of, but not really. (Too bad he admits to wanting to have SEX WITH HER. HI MIKE!) And I’m not friends with any of her friends.

In my fantasy world that occupies the land of depictions of couples in film and television, couples have friends. They make friends. Friends they get along with together and can hang out with.

Why can’t Trista and I have that? I’m anti-social, I admit, but I am not alien to meeting people and making new acquaintances.

As I see it, if it’s good for our relationship, why not? She needs to meet new people. (Unfortunately people == men.) And I need to keep myself mentally stable by actually knowing these people. I’m sure if I had met Arthur way before that entire situation exploded due to my issues, that probably would never have happened… but Trista never offered to introduce me to Arthur. I can wonder why that is or I can just shrug it off and pretend it doesn’t bother me. It might be too late now for me to make friends with Arthur. It might not. Maybe he can understand now.

So, that’s really it.

If either of those things can’t happen, then I don’t see how we can even fool ourselves into believing a relationship would work again. At that point I am fairly confident that I know, 100%, that shit will not work out, and I will walk away. Hopefully she can see that, too. Hopefully I am more important than meeting random dudes by herself, but god knows. Worse things have come to be.

Although I said above that I want to see her message Drew and tell him she’ll never see him again, I couldn’t resist but message him myself to see if the truth that I already know about him is really the truth. Maybe a little back story will help here. Well, there isn’t much.

This guy, sammyl is his username, is a Shacker. This means he posts in the comments at Shacknews, just like I used to. I’ve been perma-banned. I’m still friends with some people from the shack and I remember sammyl from my time there.

Sammyl is the type of guy who scours OKCupid looking for women that he can turn into quick lays. That’s all he does. He’s not interested in relationships, or friendships, he is just after sex. He is my textbook definition of “scum” and is the reason women should hate and fear any man they find on the internet.

So, I already knew he was an asshole before this.

But I figured maybe I could message him and give him the benefit of the doubt. So I did. This is exactly what I said to him, word for word. I might not have been 100% civil, but really, what do you expect?

I want to tell you that I’m really sorry that you got involved in all that. I’m not, though, really, and I know you don’t actually care. But I wanted to say it anyway. Truth was, Trista and I were monogomously together, just without the title of girlfriend/boyfriend, when she told you “the truth” about using you to try to forget about me she left that out for whatever reason, I guess she was just protecting her interests. I was acting like an asshole the last two weeks so she wanted to see if she could make herself be happy with someone who didn’t treat her like shit. Unfortunately it back fired. Fortunately, I think, it was you, who actually holds no interest in a relationship what-so-ever. I’m sorry that you didn’t quite get to add her as another notch to your OKCupid belt. I’m sure that’s a terrible thing to miss out on. But, like I said, it probably doesn’t matter much to you. I’m telling you anyway, because it makes me feel better.

But still, I don’t blame you. I already knew you were an ass, but the fact is you misunderstood and she didn’t tell you everything. I don’t know if you would have acted differently had you known the truth, but I can hope so.

If I’m all wrong and you weren’t just interested in a quick lay, you can let me know, if you’ll even reply to me.

For all I know deep down you’re an awesome guy and we met under poor circumstances. You’ve probably no interest in actually talking to me, but maybe you do. As it stands, though, you’ll probably hear from her sooner or later and get the actual truth of the matter from her. We’re trying to works things out and part of that is making sure she never sees or talks to you ever again. But you could change that if you wanted to, if you’re interested in trying to be friendly to me. But, like I assume, you’re not interested in making friends.

Well, reply to me if you so choose. I guess not replying is answer enough about your feelings on all of it.

Has he replied to me?

It’s been 20 minutes since I sent those messages to him. He hasn’t replied.

I guess that is answer enough.