ihavebeenfloated

Kinda blah. I felt a lot better today. I woke up at noon, which I thought was just eight hours of sleep… But I went to bed at 2:00 AM and realized it was 10 hours after Mike pointed out my bad math. That was weird, since normally if I oversleep I feel like shit the next day. But I woke up feeling kinda refreshed and a lot better about all this shit.

I went to a optometrist and got a new glasses prescription. My current lenses, about two years old now, are foggy in a bluish way. The optometrist was rather amazed by this, never having seen glasses this foggy that had never been dropped in anything or had any solvent used on them. I didn’t notice how foggy there were really until today.

I picked out a set of frames way different than I have always worn. Normally I always pick out kind of narrow slit-like frames with small lenses, but today I picked out a pair of roundish frames. Almost circular (hello John Lennon) but not quite. Considering I’m planning on a whole beard growing out thing once I can grow on out, they’ll complete “the look”.

I hung out with Mike after and ate way more than I expected to and talked about things. It took a good six hours before any sort of depression kicked in, then it was only mild. I kept myself preoccupied up until now. Nearly four in the morning, nearly time to go to sleep. I am tired. And that’s when the loneliness really kicks in.

Took everyone back to their houses… Now I talk to the few internet people I know who are still up at this hour. (One of them an east coaster! Geez!) But it’s kind of not enough to stave off the loneliness.

It’s a weird thing, because the main thing that haunts me is the fact that I will be sleeping alone in my bed. But tonight, a Tuesday, I’d be alone anyway. The simple fact that I will be alone come the weekend is what makes it hard. I went ten months, if not more, with someone always with me on the weekend, always accompanying me to bed, usually sleeping behind me at this hour, or watching me play video games. And now… no one. It’s just empty.

But the general emptiness that I feel all over my body is constantly there, waxing and waning, but never disappearing just yet. It’s not as bad as it was when Tiffany dumped me but it’s still there and it’s enough to render me speechless in the company of others. That’s when you know I’m in a bad spot, because if you know me in real life, you know that I love to listen to myself talk endlessly about anything that comes to mind.

I think when Tiffany dumped me I could manage to talk about it, because there was no regret involved. It was just sadness. Talking about Trista, however, makes me feel like I want to die. If I talk about the times she betrayed my trust (or lack of it), that’s when it really hurts. Just typing out the word “betrayed” right now echoed a pang of emotional pain across my entire body.

Normally—and this is the whole reason this site exists—talking about things, typing about them, makes me feel better. But, this whole failed relationship, every aspect of it, talking about it actually makes me feel worse. This is really unusual for me. I actually try to avoid this topic in conversation and if I accidentally bring something up (like catching her in bed with that guy) I am just overwhelmed with intense feelings of anguish, with no specific emotion or feeling tied to them.

This is really shitty. My coping mechanism doesn’t work for this. I don’t know how to deal with this. I can’t imagine that just trying to forget about it is a good thing, because it just randomly pops up in my mind when I’m trying to not think of anything. Laying in bed, trying to go to sleep, that’s the worst. I managed to distract myself and segue myself into a dream last night. Hopefully I can do that tonight.

Oh well. All I can do is hope that there wont be too much more of this. Maybe it’ll just fade. There’s a part of me that, just now, was filled with fear that it might never fade away any further. What if it never gets better? I know that’s just depressive talk, but with how different these feelings are, maybe that is a real possibility? What if I can never forget about the pain I associate with her? What if I can never outrun it completely?

I guess we’ll see.