ihavebeenfloated

I don’t really think this needs an explanation. All selected verses are from Matthew, chapters and verses are noted.

This is mostly for fun, and I will disclaim that this is not meant to convey additional meaning into what the Bible already alludes to, but the new “translations” of each verse are true to what the Bible actually says. So that’s cool. When I wasn’t clear on what a verse should really say when translated into normal talk and not cryptic bullshit, I referred to eBible, which is awesome. I took some liberties with Matthew 19:23-26.

Matthew 5

²¹“You probably read all that shit about how you shouldn’t kill people, and how if you do kill people you’ll be tried and shit in court. ²²But, you know what, I think that if you’re angry at your brother, you should be tried, too. Shit, if you go as far as to insult your brother in some petty way, you should go right to the Supreme Court. Worse yet, if you tell your brother to fuck off, you’re going straight to hell. ²³So, I say to you, if you’ve got someone disliking you and you decide to give an offering at an altar, ²⁴don’t even fucking bother, just leave the offering at the altar and go sort your shit out with that person. Then you can come back and make your offering.
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²⁷“You’ve heard, ‘You should not commit adultery’; ²⁸but I think that if you even look at a woman with a leering gaze, you’ve practically fucked her in your mind. ²⁹If you find that your eyes are wandering inappropriately, tear that shit out; because it’s better to live with only one eye than it is to burn in hell for eternity, right? ³⁰If you find your right hand rudely groping asses, chop that shit off; seriously, I’d rather go through life with one hand than burn in hell for eternity, and you should too.

³¹“It was said that anyone who ditches his wife should just legally divorce her; ³²but I think that’s a load of crap. Unless your bitch is cheating on you, you divorcing her turns her into a whore. And anyone who marries a divorced woman is also whoring themselves out. To Satan. Dig it?

Matthew 8

¹⁸Jesus saw a crowd form around him, so he told them to get lost to the other side of the sea. ¹⁹Then some writer came up to him and said, “Dude, I will follow You no matter where you go.” ²⁰Jesus replied, “Birds and foxes and shit have homes, but what the fuck do I have? NOTHING! You hear me? NOTHING!” ²¹Then a disciple came to him and said, “Hey, Jesus, before I leave, can I bury my father, because he just died.” ²²But Jesus was all like, “Dude, fuck the dead, who cares? You’re alive, he’s dead, forget about it.”

²³When Jesus got into boat, His disciples followed. ²⁴Then all of a sudden a huge fucking storm kicked up, it was hardcore. Waves were swamping the boat, but Jesus was sleeping soundly below deck. ²⁵The disciples were scared so they ran down stairs and woke Him up, crying, “Dude, seriously, we’re all going to fucking die if You don’t do something!” ²⁶Jesus said, “What the fuck is wrong with you pansies? I’m not going to let shit happen to ya’ll, watch,” then He climbed out of bed, told the weather to fuck off, and instantaneously the seas were calm. ²⁷Everyone present shit their pants in astonishment and exclaimed, “Who the fuck is this Guy? Even the goddamn seas obey Him?”

Matthew 17

¹⁴When they happened upon a crowd, a man came up to Jesus and fell to his knees, saying, ¹⁵“Lord, my son is all fucked up, he’s totally crazy and sick. He falls all over himself, tossing himself into fire and water. ¹⁶I showed him to your disciples, but they couldn’t fix him.” ¹⁷Jesus answered, “Man, what the fuck is wrong with all you stupid swine, how long am I really going to be presented with this kind of stupid bullshit? How long am I going to have to tolerate your incessant bitching? Shit, just bring the kid to me.” ¹⁸And then Jesus cast the demon out of the boy, and he was perfectly healthy.

¹⁹The disciples came to Him afterward and asked, “Why couldn’t we fix him?” ²⁰And Jesus responded, “Because you guys have no fucking faith, seriously. If you even had a tiny bit, just a minuscule amount of faith, you could move mountains by will alone. Nothing would be impossible.”

Matthew 19

¹⁶Someone came up to Jesus and asked, “Teacher, what do I need to do to achieve eternal life?” ¹⁷Jesus replied, “What the shit are you asking me for? The only person who knows what you need to do is God. Follow the fucking commandments, man, it’s not that hard.” ¹⁸Then the guy said, “Uh, which commandments? There’s a lot of them, you know.” So Jesus listed a few, “You shouldn’t kill. Uhm, don’t fuck bitches. Stealing is bad. Lying about people is crappy, too. ¹⁹Don’t fuck with your mom and dad. Oh, and treat your neighbor as you would treat yourself.” ²⁰The man then said, “Well, I’ve done all that shit. Or, I mean, I haven’t done all that shit, or, well, you get me. What am I lacking, then?” ²¹Jesus responded, “Alright, dude, I tell you what, go and sell all your shit. Then give the money to the poor. Then you’ll get into heaven. Also, dedicate your life to following me around after you do all that, that works too.” ²²But when the man heard this, he was all sorts of pissed off and depressed, for he owned a lot of shit and didn’t want to part with it.

²³Then Jesus said to his disciples, “It’s really fucking hard for a rich dude to get into Heaven. ²⁴In fact, I’d say it’s easier for a cheap whore to suck a watermelon through a rubber hose than it is for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God.” ²⁵When the disciples heard this, they were shocked to shit and exclaimed, “Then who can possibly be saved!?” ²⁶Looking directly at them, Jesus said, “Sure, no whore could possibly do that, but with God, anything is possible.”