ihavebeenfloated

I don’t know what I’m doing. I love you. I don’t love you. I love everyone. I don’t want anyone. “O Lord, tell me, am I the Antichrist?” I’m walking in circles. I need someone to need me. I don’t want anyone to need me. “I don’t want to see it at my windowsill.” Desperately I want you to need me, want you to want me, but I don’t. I don’t want anything. I don’t need anything. I am cold, stoic, and alone. I am these things by choice and I don’t want you to make me feel otherwise. But you do, you do make me feel that way, you make me feel alone. I miss you sometimes. That’s foolish. It’s childish. I am beyond those things. I am above them. I have left all those things so far behind. But here they are, rearing their ugly little heads. Those familiar feelings. There’s no figuring this one out, there is no reasoning. Nothing magical and scientific here. They’re all lies I tell myself. There are lies I tell myself. Oft repeating and it’s all just to confuse myself. Maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe I should? I don’t know you, I don’t know anything about you. But I need you. I don’t want you. I don’t want to need you. Maybe that’s the trick. Maybe my will isn’t as strong as I thought it was. I’ve got no complaints, my life is perfect. Always something to improve, but perfect none the less. Better than most. I’m happy. I should be content, but I never am. There is always something, someone, better. Always.