ihavebeenfloated

“Whenever I start getting really tired, usually well past when I should have already gone to bed, I start to feel helpless and empty. I don’t want to go to sleep, even if I know I should. There’s an anxiety in me about it and it keeps me up and doing nothing for far too long. I thought,”

“Well, I could go lay in bed and read and then fall asleep.”

“But that doesn’t work, because that’s part of actually going to sleep. Even though I’d quite like to lay in bed and re-read some more of The Vanishing Moon—By the way, I really need to remind Sarah to read that sometime—I simply wont because I don’t want to make that sort of commitment to going to sleep.”

“It’s not like you’re actually doing anything.”

“Well, now I’m talking to you. I decided that instead of reading, I might as well have a little chat, give somebody something out of this state of unproductive avoidance of sleep. I wish I could figure out why I can’t go to sleep easily. It’s always gotta be when I am so tired there is no other option. You remember that time about a month ago now that I was going to sleep at like ten o’clock and was waking up at anywhere between six to nine in the morning?”

“Yeah, you’d always go and get donuts. Those were really tasty.”

“Yeah, well, I actually kind of liked that. For some reason I felt like I could be more productive. Sure, all I did with all this ‘extra time’ was play videogames, but I got through quite a few, I did a lot of reading, it just seemed like I was actually getting shit done. I can’t do that sort of thing while I’m up late at night.”

“Why’s that?”

“Exactly, why is that? Sure, sometimes I go out with people, but that doesn’t take up my whole night. What keeps me from actually doing the same sort of thing right now?”

“You’re stuck staying up worrying about going to sleep.”

“Exactly. I’m worrying about going to sleep, so I don’t do much of anything. I talk to people online, look up random shit, maybe watch a television show, but eventually there comes a time when I just sit here and look around on the internet. The same sites, not changing, but I look around. It was a lot worse when there was an online forum to sit on or something, because then I just sat there hitting F5 over and over again waiting for something to happen.

“Saying I’m worrying about going to sleep is a bit of a lie. It’s not like I’m worried, per se. I just said per se, that’s awesome. I can’t quite put a finger on it. Sleep just seems like such a waste of time. Why go to sleep, when I can stay up and do… something else. Still, I am tired, and don’t have much of an urge to do anything, so in all this time I’m not wasting I actually accomplish nothing.”

“Go to sleep then.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re tired.”

“Yeah, well, I’ll sleep when I’m—”

“Dead. Yeah, I know.”

“I’m supposed to go to San Diego tomorrow with my parents. They’re probably going to try to wake me up in about four hours. I’m not going to be able to get up. I feel bad about it because mom wants me to go and see my sister and so I can drive them back home so my mom wont have to drive… but I’ll be so tired by then I wont be much good to drive. I mean, I can do it, but, ugh. I just don’t want to do anything. I even made my mind up to do it, but at about one o’clock I realized there was not a chance in hell I would go to sleep on time. And, sure enough, here I am at four still awake and talkin’ my head off. What’s the deal?”

“I don’t have any answers for you.”

“You’re no good, anyone ever tell you that?”

“Do last few of your girlfriends count?”

“No.”

“Then, no, no one has ever told me that before you just did now.”

“Slick, real fucking slick.”