ihavebeenfloated

Because I’ve been inside all day, I think, the night seems especially dark, quiet, and foreboding. I can’t think of how to spell that correctly. Its been a long time since I’ve gone outside and felt like running back in. Its been a long time since I’ve felt this sober and reclusive. I am a kid again, feeling grown up in my car, listening to music that reminds me of someone I want to be with desperately, so now—in this emotion, so now—just like high school. There are no ‘when’s and ‘if’s and ‘just wait’s, there is only the now and the absence of, oh hell, as if we all don’t already know, within it. I am a kid again, worrying about another pointless tomorrow, worrying about another day spent all futile and fetal, walking the halls at school thinking about all the things that I’d want to say to that girl who seems so far away… Except school is over, and all the things I want to say are said and said in the only way I can say them, which is just right, and times like this make me realize how much older I’ve become since I was a kid, walking the halls, worrying about where the next step would take me—worried that each step would carry me further away from the things that I want, the things I need.