ihavebeenfloated

Sarah has been here for four days now. I think? This is day four. We’re going to Knott’s Berry Farm, which I am looking forward to since it has been a couple of years since I have been.

She wanted to lie on me while I write about us, but she’s in the shower. I find myself with very little to say, which is why it hasn’t happened yet. I felt, and told her, last night that I did have something to say, I had some mammoth post all thought out in my head, but now that I sit down and think about it, it doesn’t seem valuable or important to write about. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, this utter lack of words.

I’m happy. I feel that I love her, more truly than anyone else I’ve been with, and I guess when I look at it from the perspective that she lives 400-some-odd miles away, it becomes somewhat heartbreaking, but I don’t feel that way. Being with her makes me feel like all my other failed relationships and horrid emo break-up sessions were just the opening act to this, to her. Everything else was just a test, preparation, to weed out all the parts of me that would ruin the time Sarah and I share together. I feel good about this week, about the fact that I haven’t gotten stupidly upset over something, that I can truly appreciate her presence here and value the time we spend together and not worry about other things.

She told me that last time she was here, she was kind of fighting the urge to like me, she didn’t think this would be something that would happen again. Now that she’s here, again, she’s not, and maybe that is what is different. I feel different. I guess last time I also felt like this was all tentative and, sure, now it’s not 100% certain but it certainly feels like it. I am in for the long-haul and I think she is really starting to realize that I am not going to stop fighting for all this, which is nice, and makes me feel better about my continued attempts to get us together.

Before she got here I was filled with dread, that we wouldn’t get along, or it would go badly in parts like last time, or that taking her back to San Jose would be a sorrowful experience unlike any other. I don’t feel that way now. We get along splendidly, nothing has gone badly at all, and I don’t dread taking her back. I already plan on going up to spend the weekend after Valentine’s Day in San Jose. And after that? Her birthday, the second to last weekend in March. I tell her this and she smiles and hugs me and I feel good, like, yes, this isn’t completely crazy, and other people have done it, and eventually everything will work out fine when I can make them work out better.

I am going to miss her, but it wont be for very long, and that is a relief. I hope that the stability we’ve found over these last three days persists for the rest of her visit and across the internet and phone until the next one. I hope she knows and understands how deeply I care for her, especially now that I see that I am able.

It is 2008 and I guess my new year’s resolution is to be good, to her, for her. There’s nothing else I need to resolve that doesn’t fall under that umbrella statement. ‘08 will be lived month to month, visit to visit, until it ends or visits aren’t necessary. This is the first year I walk into with clear motivation, a path to be traveled, and it feels good, it feels nice.